I have a nasty habit of looking at the ground as I walk. For as long as I can remember it has been this way.
Recently, I was snowshoeing in the Sawtooth Mountains with my family, my eyes fixed on the ground. Occasionally I would stop for a breath and to take a sneak peak at the falling snow on either side of me. I began to wonder what caused me to walk with my head down. It could simply be that I never trust the path beneath my feet no matter how smooth or flat it is. Maybe it is because I tend to be a bit of a klutz, stumbling or tripping with no real culprit. I learnt not to trust my feet, always watching their next move, trying to reduce as many casualties as possible. Or maybe it was much more complex. It could be a result of my overbearing insecurities, never wanting to accidentally catch someone’s eye in fear that they may be able to read every detail of my shameful life by the expression on my face. Whatever the cause, I had grown up unable to trust my feet, my path, or any by passers.
What happens when I vulnerably meet their stare and they see past the gloss of my eye into my fear filled mind?
As I admired my snowshoes I had a terrifying thought, this is an analogy of my walk with God. I have trust in God. I have a lot of trust in God, just like I have a lot of faith that I can walk. There is no question about it, I know one foot will move in front of the other just as I know that God is always with me. But that tends to be the extent of my trust. When it comes to him leading me, sure I’ll take whatever path he chooses, but I hesitate until I have sought out the conditions of the road. What are the details of his plan, and mostly, can I handle it or will I trip and fall. Then comes my lack of trust in the people God has placed around me. I can be honest and open with people, glory be to God for that. He has diligently proven my security and identity in Him, so people knowing my past is no longer a major fear in my life. But when it comes to me utilizing the spiritual leaders and confidants he has placed in my life, I am reluctant. What happens when I vulnerably meet their stare and they see past the gloss of my eye into my fear filled mind? Unfortunately, my trust in whom He surrounds me with is lacking.
I was trudging my way through a valley between two mountains. The white peaks almost blending in with the white sky. Thick, fluffy snow sticking to my goggles on their way to earth. I removed them for clearer vision. The world slightly too blue because of the orange tinted lens I had been staring through. My view was breath taking. I prayed a silent “thank you” to the Creator, then looked down to continue walking on the trail my sister was forming in front of me.
“Do you not want to continue to treasure my creation longer? Do you not want to see the colors of the earth change as the snow continues to fall? I know mountains and falling snow are your favorite, so why do you look down my child?”
To think of all the beauty I have missed out on throughout my life. To think of all the things God has done or wants to do around me and in me. I remember, as I was traveling the southern hemisphere, I could not stand the thought that the most I would see of these new countries was dirty pavement. I forced myself to look up and walk, gazing at the world around me. The uncertainty of every step must be what a baby feels when they begin to walk. I had to laugh at myself, my steps so unstable. Babies, though their legs shake and they stumble and fall, they continue to walk. Something inside pushes them on, it is natural, it is instinctual. Not a question asked, they see the example set before them by their parents, and know one day they will do the same.
Knowing fully, as I keep stepping I am becoming more and more like the one leading me.
The snow was falling harder now. My eyelashes hosting melting snowflakes. I looked ahead of me, the sky and the ground becoming one white blur. I kept my eyes forward and took a step. My feet unbalanced on the uneven snow. As a child of God, trust should be natural, instinctual. No matter the path ahead of me, whether visible or not, my trust should be in the one who calls me there. Knowing fully, as I keep stepping I am becoming more and more like the one leading me, the one whom is an example to me. I am becoming more like my Heavenly Father.
More steps, my heart pounding at the beauty around me. Of course, this is what I had been missing out on all along. I lifted my eyes to the heavens, snow scurrying to cover my face, and I walked the rest of the way to the car.